INT. HOUSE ON DGA HILL - DAY
ANNOUNCER (V/O): Hey kids! What time is it?
KIDS (V/O): POLLING BEAR TIME!
ANNOUNCER (V/O): That’s right!
JINGLE: I love you, you love me/Money’s our dem-o-cra-cy/With a million emails sent from me to you/won’t you opt for One Click too?
Polling Bear enters with kids.
POLLING BEAR: Hey kids!
KIDS: HEY POLLING BEAR!
POLLING BEAR: How are you today?
BILLY: I’m sad, Polling Bear.
POLLING BEAR: Oh no! Why’s that?
BILLY: I’m concerned we won’t be able to effectively counter the negative ads being run this very second in key swing states by the GOP!
POLLING BEAR: Don’t be sad, Billy! We have a chance to shut down the Tea Party and win even in Southern states!
SUZY: You mean states like Georgia and Florida and even South Carolina?
POLLING BEAR: That’s right!
BILLY: But how, Polling Bear?
POLLING BEAR: Well, Billy, it’s all up to your parents.
SUZY: Our parents?
POLLING BEAR: That’s right, Suzy. We need your parents to come up with $50,000 by midnight tomorrow, or else!
SUZY: Or else what?
POLLING BEAR: That’s not for me to say, Suzy. But at a minimum, conservative policies will render their jobs obsolete and their savings worthless, and your personal autonomy as a woman will be outlawed!
STEVEY: Polling Bear, my dad says you’re wrong about this, that only the markets can create jobs and prosperity, and that free birth control is for women who can’t keep it in their pants.
POLLING BEAR: Your dad sounds like a real asshole, Stevey.
BILLY: So what do we do, Polling Bear?
POLLING BEAR: Why, get your parents to donate, of course!
SUZY: But isn’t political fundraising a race to the bottom that perpetuates our broken legislative system and enslaves progressive candidates to the same forces pushing the policies we’re campaigning against?
Polling Bear pauses for 45 seconds.
POLLING BEAR: No!
STEVEY: This all sounds great, Polling Bear, but do you have this same information in a shorter, more easily digestible, really garish format that I can read on my daily commute, and then fourteen further times during the day?
POLLING BEAR: I sure do!
POLLING BEAR: Now gather ‘round, kids - let’s all sign this birthday card to President Obama!
POLLING BEAR: God dammit, Suzy.
ANNOUNCER (V/O): Next week, on Polling Bear…
INT. HOUSE ON DGA HILL - NIGHT
Polling Bear pulls up FiveThirtyEight on his iPad.
POLLING BEAR: It’s storytime, kids! Tonight, I’ll tell you the tale of how Nate Silver slew the Giant Kentucky Turtle…
SUZY: I think you’re misrepresenting Nate Silver’s conclusions about this race, Polling Bear.
POLLING BEAR: Suzy, if you could just shut the fuck up for five seconds.
Cut to commercial.